SLUGS VS. CLODS
NARRATOR
(bangs on cowbell)
And now it’s time to play
NARRATOR
The Babbling, Bantering Barbs of the Bard
NARRATOR
Otherwise commonly known as
ALL
How to Insult Your Friends!
NARRATOR
In our left corner we have
GROUP A – calls out name
NARRATOR
In our right corner we have
GROUP B – calls out name
NARRATOR
Are you ready to rumble?
NARRATOR
Ready, set, go!
SLUGS
Thou damned and luxurious mountain goat.
CLODS
Let’s meet as little as we can.
SLUGS
More of your conversation would infect my brain.
CLODS
Away! Thou art poison to my blood.
SLUGS
Why, thou clay-brained guts, thou knotty-pated fool, thou obscene greasy
tallow-catch.
CLODS
Hang yourself, you muddy conger, hang yourself!
SLUGS
Thou sodden-witted lord! Thou hast no more brain than I have in mine elbows.
CLODS
Go forward, and be choked with thy ambition!
NARRATOR
(rings cowbell)
NARRATOR
Let’s have a big round of applause for our Slugs! And our Clods.
NARRATOR
(bangs on cowbell)
And now for Round II of
NARRATOR
The Babbling, Bantering Barbs of the Bard
NARRATOR
Otherwise commonly known as
ALL
How to Insult Your Friends!
NARRATOR
In our left corner we have
GROUP C – calls out name
NARRATOR
In our right corner we have
GROUP D – calls out name
NARRATOR
Are you ready to rumble?
NARRATOR
Ready, set, go!
SLUGS
Teeth hadst thou in thy head when thou wast born to signify thou came to bite the world.
CLODS
Your heart is crammed with arrogancy, spleen and pride.
SLUGS
Thou art a boil, a plague-sore, an embossed carbuncle in my corrupted blood
CLODS
There is not yet so ugly a fiend of hell as thou shall be.
SLUGS
Ah, you loggerhead! You were born to do me shame.
CLODS
Come, you are a tedious fool.
SLUGS
Beg that thou may have leave to hang thyself.
CLODS
Tempt not too much the hatred of my spirit; for I am sick when I do look on thee.
NARRATOR
(rings cowbell)
NARRATOR
Let’s have a big round of applause for our Slugs! And our Clods.
NARRATOR
(bangs on cowbell)
And now for Round III of
NARRATOR
The Babbling, Bantering Barbs of the Bard
NARRATOR
Otherwise commonly known as
ALL
How to Insult Your Friends!
NARRATOR
In our left corner we have
GROUP E – calls out name
NARRATOR
In our right corner we have
GROUP F – calls out name
NARRATOR
Are you ready to rumble?
NARRATOR
Ready, set, go!
SLUGS
Heaven truly knows that thou are as false as hell.
CLODS
Thou lump of foul deformity.
SLUGS
Thou detestable maw, thou womb of death.
CLODS
Away, you three-inch fool.
SLUGS:
Hang cur! hang, you insolent noisemaker.
CLODS:
Would thou wert clean enough to spit upon!
SLUGS:
Go to, you’re a dry fool; I’ll no more of you.
CLODS:
Go rot!
NARRATOR
(rings cowbell)
NARRATOR
Let’s have a big round of applause for our Slugs! And our Clods from Round III. And now a big round of applause for all of our Slugs and Clods.
NARRATOR
(bangs on cowbell)
Tune in next week as we bring you….
NARRATOR
The Babbling, Bantering Barbs of the Bard
NARRATOR
Otherwise commonly known as
ALL
How to Insult Your Friends!